In dark, In mess, When I can not see the light

Thank you for the gift of this child.

Thank you for the gifts he leaves for me.

Thank you for the spreading, counter to carpet- bread, sugar, vanilla and orange juice. Spilling from haphazard, well meaning mixture. "Look what I made for you." It could be You, saying the same, to me, about him.... or Him.

Thank you, even though, it is the last of the sugar, bread and vanilla. It will not be the last. Thank you for your provision. This reminds us to be faithful in absence of sight. 

Thank you for the gift of this day, firming me at your side, allowing me to grow in grace.

Without these gifts, there would be no son. No sugar. No bread. No juice. With them I'm reminded that you've provided. Granted- they are spilled to the floor, surely you telling us our cup runeth over.

Thank you for the holes in the floors, for without them there may be no floor. Remembering our loved family so far away.

Thank you for the dishes in the sink, reminders of potable water and food in our bellies.

Thank you for the light and heat bills. For even now, when I do not see how we will pay them, you provide.

Thank you for the gifts of time. For debts forgiven. I recount them here for if, and surely when, others doubt you, they stand in hope at your faithfulness. In attempting to set up a payment plan for electricity, the past debts are forgiven and move forward from here. In attempting to shut off our internet, they refuse to do so providing a bit more time in finding a solution.

Thank you for the moments I knew- I felt- I knew it was all because of you- only for you- only because of you. For the moments I forget, and those I remember. I forget perhaps because you are so abundant in your blessings.

We have far to go. I can not go without you. Why do I stray so quickly. Why do I lean on You so fervently through the 'hard' and pass alongside You in the 'easy'. Why do I not see that my blessings are in the hard, and that the 'easy' is the real test of faith.


I long to be better for You, and yet I'm lost. Lost with You now. Far closer to Christ than for so long lost without You. Only You were there all along. I thought it was within me- but my strength is nothing until I give it all to you.

As dark as this moment is how surety grasps me in the quiet and whispers "I am here". I can not see what is next and yet I know you will guide, or hold on to me regardless of the path we take.

As hard as this season has been. Physically. Emotionally. I thank you Lord. THANK YOU. With true hearted fullness overflowing eucharitseo thanksgiving- thank you. For with You I see the light. Even when my eyes to not- my heart does. Thank you for the 'hard' of the past, for it shows us the 'hard' of now is such a beautiful wonderful gift. It is sweet. I can almost taste it. You have given me a family. Not just he and I. but in the communions of friends near and far and family that can only be because of you. It is family ripe with all things of family- fights, bitterness, anger, jealousy, love, loyalty, heartbonding and heartbreaking joy. Only in you is this possible.

Thank you for this moment in time of not even being able to find the lightness to laugh. For your word is written that you have treasures and joy for me (and us) and I walk in faith knowing that seasons change and joy will grasp my heart with your peace and laughter.

Be with us. Show your provision Lord. Let the glory be yours.

You are always with me

Some of these words are from one of your children. Words speaking to me. Through my own fear. Fear of impotence of change.

Trying harder leads harder trials.

“God is looking for people through whom He can do the impossible.What a pity when we plan only the things we can do by ourselves.” -A.W. Tozer

Do the things that only God can do.

I will tread through my fear, Lord. Tread. Heavy and fearful. Knowing you are always here. You never leave us in the midst. May my eyes stay on you. May my heart open soften to your words. You are the great healer and sole provider. My peace lies in you.

I lay down my sorrow. My pain. My shame. For the joy of the Lord.

Thank you Lord for never leaving. When I do not follow you hold me loose, allowing me to return time and time again. Forgive me. Please oh please forgive me. Thank you for your second chances. And thirds. I am not worthy. Yet grateful. Full of gratitude for your mercy and grace.