Thursday, June 28, 2012

I'm lost Lord. I'm scared. I'm full of worry. Anxiety.


Why when you have clearly said to lay it all on you?  I fight for what-- nothing. 

Let me throw this all to you- TAKE IT TAKE IT from me and un pack that peace and joy that is covered up so heavily.

You are a miraculous God. The miracles of adoption, families, joy, peace, healing, provision, compassion, generosity.

I asked you so long ago to help me be humble. I'm learning. Learning it is a verb. Not an adjective.

I'm tired. physically. emotionally. yes. even spiritually. curled up in my nothingness. worrying. holding on to it. TAKE IT. PLEASE TAKE my anxiety away.

I KNOW. KNOW KNOW KNOW you provide all. All we have has been given to us. Everything. I hope our walk thus far has shone some glory to you and your heart has opened others. I KNOW KNOW KNOW KNOW that you continue today in holding us in the palm of your hands. perhaps my feeling out of control is because you, You have it all... and I simply need to be accustomed to that. Clearly i'm not. I struggle with that often . Please forgive me. Lord. Lessons over and over again.

Lord- I'm asking you to provide soon. Show yourself. I'm asking specifically to sell this home quickly, very quickly, this week! and for 35K or more so we can be debt free and get a jump on our new start.  Thank you Lord. I know you have it all. Yet, I want to take from you. How generous is that?! Forgive me.

Thursday, April 5, 2012


This season.
It brings so many gifts.
Light. Long light.
Warming our skin and innards just a bit.

A little each year, perhaps the heart, mind and fibers of our being warm a bit more?
Letting go of the past seasons.
The past years.
Past scars. Fading.
Hurts. Healing.
Hearts. Opening?

Tomorrow we mourn your death.
Dieing for us. I can not comprehend.
You tell me it was for love. Is for love, that you died.
That you were beaten. Slayed. Fleshed open.
For love.
For love?
Do I even know that sort of love?

Letting go of the past seasons.
The past years.
Past scars. Fading.
Hurts. Healing.
Hearts. Opening?

He crawls inside my shirt.
Curls up.
"I'm a baby egg inside my mommy."
 "I'm hatching. I'm your baby"
Comforts himself on my breast.
Close. He relaxes.
Breaths match.
Babe whimper. Quickly over.
Eyes distant.
Habitual "Love you Momma" off he runs.

Letting go of the past seasons.
The past years.
Past scars. Fading.
Hurts. Healing.
Hearts. Opening?

I gather the things.
Attempt to put them back in some order.
Drying each off.
Each time I step I'm reminded.
His shame to the surface. Flooded over.
Flooded the bathroom.
Craving rebuking. Comfortable in distance.
Doing all he can, to make me push him away.
Defeated sigh. Shoulders slumped. Head in hands.
Walk away.
And I do.
Scars remain.
Softer. Still noticeable. 

Each season is but a moment.

I want to see your grace here. Your mercy is ever present. I do not deserve the love this child shows. And yet, most times he freely gives.

I'm stuck Lord. Help. I'm mired in the heavy. Full me with your Holy Spirit.

Tomorrow I mourn. Tomorrow I fast. Let me be filled with gratitude for your sacrifice. My salvation. Our salvation. How do I manage that? Even in my mourning of your passing, I ask for more. I ask you to fill me. To really know this love.

I'm tired. I'm torn. I'm weathered.

You are more. You are enough. You are all I need. Let it be enough.

Thank you. I'm filled with grateful heart
Water. Clean. Brought to our door.
Family. Generous. Unbridled. Giving.
Friends. From out of the blue you handed us together.
Shelter. A gift that keeps on giving.
School. Teachers who honor us. Friends who respect him.
Church. Opportunity to serve you.
Healing. The rough scars slowly smoothing.
Love. Your heart slowly opening ours.
For the wet floors. For they show me that we both have far to go and have come so far.
For the food. Endless Manna. With no gluten of course.
Friends. Who call me out on truth. Who ask about taking care of my self. For providing a means to do so.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Lent. Giving up Facebook.

Give Praise
Give Thanks

To sacrifice and dedicate the heart to Christ, in preparation for the Crucifixion and Resurrection.

It had become a habit. To think about my life in terms of how it reads on the interwebs. On fB. On blog. And then yearn. Yearn for response. Reaction. Validation in the recognition.  Prideful.

Yearning. For validation. From people.

Each time, is time spent, not walking with Him. Nor with him, who He has charged and gifted me. If I'm choosing fB time, even in THOUGHT- over time with Him, even in Prayer, to whom goes the glory. To whom belongs my heart. Am I living the as person I profess to being?

Simply, no.

God. Thank you for you mercy of a new day. Each day you give, I yearn to grow in grace, ripen in spiritual harvest.

My this lenten season, drive me to you. Even when I run away. Even when I rebel. May you hold me fast. My the change be for you. May the change be shown to be you. For I can do nothing with out you. Your love alone allows each day a miracle and another.

A good worthy Lent read from a Holy Experience

Monday, February 6, 2012

Fill me...

Compassionate Lord, I beg your forgiveness. I plead for a filling of joy. Peace. Hope. Abundant and overflowing. I ask boldly.

Gifts we've been given, will keep us connected. Seeking employment. If that is your path Lord, set it boldly before me. I am lost. You are here. I still feel lost.

Long days. Nights. Weeks? Have past since I laughed. Full. Abundant heart laughter. Joy is waning. slipping through my grip.  Not reality of course. Of course you are here. Joy is here. Covered by the heavy. Burden. Worry. Anxiety. Weight of this world.

What am I not giving him? What am I not giving you. These two messages are speaking to me so clearly, it feels as if Your hand is in my chest squeezing this heart. Squeezing so close... that springing back to life is the next step. With joy unknown before all was almost lost. This is what will be. Fill me up Lord. Overflow us. Let us be a vessel. Hold me strong that I do not stray. Again and again and again. Forgive me for raising my voice. For not smiling down on a child that loves so unabashedly. Your child.

Thank you for the gifts, that do not weigh us down.
Thank you for the friends, that give openly.
Thank you for the people you place in our lives, in the most unusual ways.
Only is it possible for you.
Thank you for giving these people your heart, words to share it in turn.
Thank you for letting him fall asleep in his bed, for the first time, without me attached.

In Hard Times- Holy Experience

Blueberry- The Hat

Saturday, January 28, 2012

In dark, In mess, When I can not see the light

Thank you for the gift of this child.

Thank you for the gifts he leaves for me.

Thank you for the spreading, counter to carpet- bread, sugar, vanilla and orange juice. Spilling from haphazard, well meaning mixture. "Look what I made for you." It could be You, saying the same, to me, about him.... or Him.

Thank you, even though, it is the last of the sugar, bread and vanilla. It will not be the last. Thank you for your provision. This reminds us to be faithful in absence of sight. 

Thank you for the gift of this day, firming me at your side, allowing me to grow in grace.

Without these gifts, there would be no son. No sugar. No bread. No juice. With them I'm reminded that you've provided. Granted- they are spilled to the floor, surely you telling us our cup runeth over.

Thank you for the holes in the floors, for without them there may be no floor. Remembering our loved family so far away.

Thank you for the dishes in the sink, reminders of potable water and food in our bellies.

Thank you for the light and heat bills. For even now, when I do not see how we will pay them, you provide.

Thank you for the gifts of time. For debts forgiven. I recount them here for if, and surely when, others doubt you, they stand in hope at your faithfulness. In attempting to set up a payment plan for electricity, the past debts are forgiven and move forward from here. In attempting to shut off our internet, they refuse to do so providing a bit more time in finding a solution.

Thank you for the moments I knew- I felt- I knew it was all because of you- only for you- only because of you. For the moments I forget, and those I remember. I forget perhaps because you are so abundant in your blessings.

We have far to go. I can not go without you. Why do I stray so quickly. Why do I lean on You so fervently through the 'hard' and pass alongside You in the 'easy'. Why do I not see that my blessings are in the hard, and that the 'easy' is the real test of faith.

I long to be better for You, and yet I'm lost. Lost with You now. Far closer to Christ than for so long lost without You. Only You were there all along. I thought it was within me- but my strength is nothing until I give it all to you.

As dark as this moment is how surety grasps me in the quiet and whispers "I am here". I can not see what is next and yet I know you will guide, or hold on to me regardless of the path we take.

As hard as this season has been. Physically. Emotionally. I thank you Lord. THANK YOU. With true hearted fullness overflowing eucharitseo thanksgiving- thank you. For with You I see the light. Even when my eyes to not- my heart does. Thank you for the 'hard' of the past, for it shows us the 'hard' of now is such a beautiful wonderful gift. It is sweet. I can almost taste it. You have given me a family. Not just he and I. but in the communions of friends near and far and family that can only be because of you. It is family ripe with all things of family- fights, bitterness, anger, jealousy, love, loyalty, heartbonding and heartbreaking joy. Only in you is this possible.

Thank you for this moment in time of not even being able to find the lightness to laugh. For your word is written that you have treasures and joy for me (and us) and I walk in faith knowing that seasons change and joy will grasp my heart with your peace and laughter.

Be with us. Show your provision Lord. Let the glory be yours.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

You are always with me

Some of these words are from one of your children. Words speaking to me. Through my own fear. Fear of impotence of change.

Trying harder leads harder trials.

“God is looking for people through whom He can do the impossible.What a pity when we plan only the things we can do by ourselves.” -A.W. Tozer

Do the things that only God can do.

I will tread through my fear, Lord. Tread. Heavy and fearful. Knowing you are always here. You never leave us in the midst. May my eyes stay on you. May my heart open soften to your words. You are the great healer and sole provider. My peace lies in you.

I lay down my sorrow. My pain. My shame. For the joy of the Lord.

Thank you Lord for never leaving. When I do not follow you hold me loose, allowing me to return time and time again. Forgive me. Please oh please forgive me. Thank you for your second chances. And thirds. I am not worthy. Yet grateful. Full of gratitude for your mercy and grace.

Saturday, December 31, 2011

Silence. Waiting on You.

When does waiting you You, become saying no to moving in You?

Lord, we sit in this home. This shelter you provided. You gave it to us. Is it my fear saying leave? Is it my fear turning me from your word? Every logical thing says stay. Yet, my heart says leave. To where? Is that you? I don't know. Perhaps, walking in faith that you have us, is simply the answer. That you will always have cover for us. What we need, yes. Yet...

Still unwilling to give all to you. Trust all in you. Wanting a safeguard. Just in case.

This battle of flesh and safety. Faith and giving it all for you. Thank you for it. I know NOT what will come of this. But it is written that you can make what was meant for harm, for our good and your glory. Where ever we find ourselves, you are already there. Trust that. Trust. Trust the bridge builder. Bless us with confidence, Lord. Banish anxiety. Let our future grow in you, as your will be done for your glory.

Lord I am scared. Let me not hide it. Let me give it to you. Let this fear leave and faith in You grow. 

Thank you Lord, for this uncertain time.
Thank you for these milestone days in which we pass time to mark with you.
Thank you for the people you have placed in my path, seemingly so distant, and hearts so close.
Thank you for the financial woes, for they show promise of growth in your future.
Your hand in all deeds. Thank you for the provision that is surely meant to touch hearts and bring them to You.
Lord, I thank you and today Lord I ask you to bless us, abundantly. Let us do more for you, enlarge my hearts, be always with me, that I may be a gentle vessel of your love, grace and mercy. Let this year be marked by Your miracles.