Silence. Waiting on You.

When does waiting you You, become saying no to moving in You?

Lord, we sit in this home. This shelter you provided. You gave it to us. Is it my fear saying leave? Is it my fear turning me from your word? Every logical thing says stay. Yet, my heart says leave. To where? Is that you? I don't know. Perhaps, walking in faith that you have us, is simply the answer. That you will always have cover for us. What we need, yes. Yet...

Still unwilling to give all to you. Trust all in you. Wanting a safeguard. Just in case.

This battle of flesh and safety. Faith and giving it all for you. Thank you for it. I know NOT what will come of this. But it is written that you can make what was meant for harm, for our good and your glory. Where ever we find ourselves, you are already there. Trust that. Trust. Trust the bridge builder. Bless us with confidence, Lord. Banish anxiety. Let our future grow in you, as your will be done for your glory.

Lord I am scared. Let me not hide it. Let me give it to you. Let this fear leave and faith in You grow. 

Thank you Lord, for this uncertain time.
Thank you for these milestone days in which we pass time to mark with you.
Thank you for the people you have placed in my path, seemingly so distant, and hearts so close.
Thank you for the financial woes, for they show promise of growth in your future.
Your hand in all deeds. Thank you for the provision that is surely meant to touch hearts and bring them to You.
Lord, I thank you and today Lord I ask you to bless us, abundantly. Let us do more for you, enlarge my hearts, be always with me, that I may be a gentle vessel of your love, grace and mercy. Let this year be marked by Your miracles.

You are faithful...

As I weigh it all out. The what ifs. The what if nots. The possibilities of change. The attempting to know what is truly only yours to know. Yours to show in your time. Income. Jobs. Locations. School. Expenses. Spots at schools. Time. Job searching? Preparing for our future? Advocating for him. Position research? Relocation research?

These what ifs, do not answer. They do not answer his answers. The instill fear. Freaking devil fear. Hesitation. Insecurity. Freaking flesh. Wanting to know all the answers now.

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Grace. Mercy. Forgiveness.

Easier. SO easier to say than to do. I fall for the tricks and manipulation. My own triggers and tricks fall right in line.

Thank you for holding my tongue.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to offer mercy.
Thank you for patience. I know it is there.
Thank you for teaching me to listen.
I thank you know for I know these are yours and you are giving them to me piece by molding piece.

Thank you for another round of patience. Proving this could only be you.
Let it be known, from all over- that I have no idea what comes next. No idea how to even go about it. No idea from where resources will come. Nor which are next.
No idea where we will be in 3 months. None.
But he does.
Again I find myself in a place in my life of being able to 'make things happen.' Only I can't. Early lives would have told me that I could make anything happen with enough drive and determination. No I know- that God must lead. I must listen. Fighting for lead. Well, even I don't want me in charge. Not any more. Thank you God for staying with me, till I saw that. Saw you.
Thank you for what comes next. For this will truly be testament that it can only be YOU. Let this be your glory. May my heart stay open, waiting on the Lord. His provision lasts indefinitely. The God of all that is possible and impossible. Thank you.

Thank you for this child. Sleeping at my feet. For the healing in his heart, mind and soul. His spirit is yours. He is a joyful child. To you be the glory.
Thank you for Jan. She is truly a gift from you. I see that. I see you.
Thank you for the teachers you have provided. Oh my Lord. A heavenly gift. You moved her to him twice. Twice. Twice. Thank you. Thank you for her truth. Her heart given.
Thank you for the unanswered questions. Shown in your time.

So quickly I run

So quickly I turn.

Earnestly praising and giving thanks wanes fast.

Returning to my prideful ways.

Prideful thoughts.

Anxiety masked as false bravado.

When walking forward in faith, should be founded in His Word.

Thank you...
For being the faithful one.
Always.
I fail because if me.
I do your works, only with you. In you. For you.
Thank you for holding me when I stumble.
For the words to repeat, steadying my hands.
For the presence of being home, when what could have been so evidently, surely yours.
For speaking so clearly I knew it was you.
For the tests.
Testing.
Will I run again?
Turn in pride?
I'm sure of it.
You will always be near.
Thank you.
For never leaving.