Silence. Waiting on You.

When does waiting you You, become saying no to moving in You?

Lord, we sit in this home. This shelter you provided. You gave it to us. Is it my fear saying leave? Is it my fear turning me from your word? Every logical thing says stay. Yet, my heart says leave. To where? Is that you? I don't know. Perhaps, walking in faith that you have us, is simply the answer. That you will always have cover for us. What we need, yes. Yet...

Still unwilling to give all to you. Trust all in you. Wanting a safeguard. Just in case.

This battle of flesh and safety. Faith and giving it all for you. Thank you for it. I know NOT what will come of this. But it is written that you can make what was meant for harm, for our good and your glory. Where ever we find ourselves, you are already there. Trust that. Trust. Trust the bridge builder. Bless us with confidence, Lord. Banish anxiety. Let our future grow in you, as your will be done for your glory.

Lord I am scared. Let me not hide it. Let me give it to you. Let this fear leave and faith in You grow. 

Thank you Lord, for this uncertain time.
Thank you for these milestone days in which we pass time to mark with you.
Thank you for the people you have placed in my path, seemingly so distant, and hearts so close.
Thank you for the financial woes, for they show promise of growth in your future.
Your hand in all deeds. Thank you for the provision that is surely meant to touch hearts and bring them to You.
Lord, I thank you and today Lord I ask you to bless us, abundantly. Let us do more for you, enlarge my hearts, be always with me, that I may be a gentle vessel of your love, grace and mercy. Let this year be marked by Your miracles.

You are faithful...

As I weigh it all out. The what ifs. The what if nots. The possibilities of change. The attempting to know what is truly only yours to know. Yours to show in your time. Income. Jobs. Locations. School. Expenses. Spots at schools. Time. Job searching? Preparing for our future? Advocating for him. Position research? Relocation research?

These what ifs, do not answer. They do not answer his answers. The instill fear. Freaking devil fear. Hesitation. Insecurity. Freaking flesh. Wanting to know all the answers now.

****
Grace. Mercy. Forgiveness.

Easier. SO easier to say than to do. I fall for the tricks and manipulation. My own triggers and tricks fall right in line.

Thank you for holding my tongue.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to offer mercy.
Thank you for patience. I know it is there.
Thank you for teaching me to listen.
I thank you know for I know these are yours and you are giving them to me piece by molding piece.

Thank you for another round of patience. Proving this could only be you.
Let it be known, from all over- that I have no idea what comes next. No idea how to even go about it. No idea from where resources will come. Nor which are next.
No idea where we will be in 3 months. None.
But he does.
Again I find myself in a place in my life of being able to 'make things happen.' Only I can't. Early lives would have told me that I could make anything happen with enough drive and determination. No I know- that God must lead. I must listen. Fighting for lead. Well, even I don't want me in charge. Not any more. Thank you God for staying with me, till I saw that. Saw you.
Thank you for what comes next. For this will truly be testament that it can only be YOU. Let this be your glory. May my heart stay open, waiting on the Lord. His provision lasts indefinitely. The God of all that is possible and impossible. Thank you.

Thank you for this child. Sleeping at my feet. For the healing in his heart, mind and soul. His spirit is yours. He is a joyful child. To you be the glory.
Thank you for Jan. She is truly a gift from you. I see that. I see you.
Thank you for the teachers you have provided. Oh my Lord. A heavenly gift. You moved her to him twice. Twice. Twice. Thank you. Thank you for her truth. Her heart given.
Thank you for the unanswered questions. Shown in your time.

So quickly I run

So quickly I turn.

Earnestly praising and giving thanks wanes fast.

Returning to my prideful ways.

Prideful thoughts.

Anxiety masked as false bravado.

When walking forward in faith, should be founded in His Word.

Thank you...
For being the faithful one.
Always.
I fail because if me.
I do your works, only with you. In you. For you.
Thank you for holding me when I stumble.
For the words to repeat, steadying my hands.
For the presence of being home, when what could have been so evidently, surely yours.
For speaking so clearly I knew it was you.
For the tests.
Testing.
Will I run again?
Turn in pride?
I'm sure of it.
You will always be near.
Thank you.
For never leaving.

I'm scared.

Fear riddles me.

I know I mus move forward in faith.

He is faithful.

He has always provided. Not in ways I want. Expect. Not in easily acceptable answers.

Always provided.


I feel alone. And yet I KNOW he is here.

Holding us in his hand.

Guiding us. Waiting on me.

Fear freezes me.

Faith, his faith, gives me strength. Only his.

So I must sink into Him. Into his word and give thanks.

Thanks for the house he provided over our heads.

Thanks for the small balance left, for through struggle and pain will come growth. Growth in him, if I give it all to him. Move forward. Stay in his word.

Thank you for even the $30 left in the account.

Thank you for the motivation to find life in this. Somehow someway.

Thank you Lord for providing always.

Thank you Lord for this family you have built. This heart you have bonded me to. Thank you.

Lord, forgive me of my sins. My lying ways. Let me make it right. Have Mercy on me oh Lord and I will give you the Glory. All Glory to you Jesus Christ my savior. I'm bow and sob and lay it out here before you. Let me be weak and foolish. Let only your strength and wisdom flow through. Let us bless others with your grace and mercy. Lord I thank you for providing, what I do not know you have done. Thank you for the patience to endure and receive your gifts. Thank you Lord, for allowing me to give you glory.

Saying "thanks" is easy.

Being open hearted truly thankful. Feeling it. Is hard.

Easy can get trumped by Hard.

Opening the word. Not asking for guidance. Wisdom. Patience. Providence. Provision. For self.
Opening the word and just reading. Opening the heart. The heart that is covered by Hard. Without asking. Knowing it will be softened. Faith. Peeling off the layers of Hard. Piles of iron and steel junk. Scrap metal. Hard. Dangerous. Cut you up Hard stuff. Willing it to go away doesn't. Giving it to him. Let him heal. Let him uncover my heart. Let it feel His presence again.

Ask for others. Pray, Lord, I'm stuck doing nothing and have no idea where to turn next. Lord, I'm feeling so alone. Why doesn't anyone want to help? Lord, I need community. My friends have abandoned me.

Or have they?

Lord, let me be a blessing for someone else. Let it all be for your glory. Let me be a vessel for your love.

... for phone calls that say "I need to talk. And I need you to listen"
...for friends who you've blessed with the need to share.
...for letting me be your vessel today.
...for the forgiveness of my sins.
...for the bit by bit unveiling of what will be
...for the tomorrows gifted. New days.

Nebulizers.
Sisters.
Brothers.
Nephews.
Morning light through wooden blinds.
Forgiveness.
Patience.
His strength.
His faithfulness.
His healing.

I'm a person, that between my flesh and my spiritual learning curve, is uncomfortable openly praising my Lord for my situation. Access to care. Home. Means. Family.  For I wonder about the hole. Are those without homes. without medical care. without family. Are they not blessed?  For truly I've seen. I've sensed the hand, face and heart of God closer with those people within that supposed hole.

Yet, I sit here listening to the cough, thick, persistent. Knowing this would be his death sentence. If God had not made good, what others, generations before, had meant for evil.

On the way to Church,

"Remember this. You are an amazing child! God loves you. He touched your heart. Momma loves you. God put us together as family. We are adopted."

"But I wanna be peachy!"

sometimes it's

"But I wanna Daddy too!"

Today it's 'peachy'.

"Why can't I be peachy? Why....."

"None of knows the answers to all of the questions. But God knows. We wait on him. We pray. We listen. We open our bible and read. What wisdom can we find? Hearts open, we listen and wait on God. I don't know, honey."

The simple choices

I don't know why I don't have a job right now. I don't know why I can't find even a position that speaks to me. I don't know. But he does. I'm so sure of it.

I don't know why I don't have a job and haven't been working in almost 2 years, but I will forever know this time as a direct blessed hand of God gift of answered prayer. More than I ever knew was possible, it has opened my eyes, to my self, to my extended family, to my Lord, to my community and to my son. More than I ever conceived of 'needing' a "break", Lord gave my son what he needed, a full time care giver. A never had. A new. Renewed. Healing.

So today.. I praise you Lord. On this bright Autumnal day...

...the earliest yet wake up, that did come hours earlier than expected.
...the belly busting laughter listening to a 4 yo's phone conversation
...letting me really see him. know him. love him. Love him.
...eyes to see the humor in the simplest choices
...a 24 foot long trailer, meant for tractors, used for greatest joy of boys play
...earthy slight chill smell of autumn afternoons
...the frozen ground of its sunrise
...the gift that took these photos
...the faith that one day, I'll know how to operate it
...for chipmunks preparing for winter
...the unknowing pied piper always looking to the ground


Thank you Lord. I bow my head in grateful thanksgiving.

Hard day to find thanks. To give it freely. I tried and tried to feel it. 'Feel" it. Stupid.

Stupid to think of the pain. The head that throbbed. The light that felt like a dentists drill hitting a deep nerve.

How it infected everything before and after. Almost forgetting the tear bringing beauty of the morning gymnastics. The double take, I took, when watching him casually walk across the balance beam he couldn't do 2 step without falling 6 months ago. The shock, when I watched the other boys easily perform a rind maneuver, lifting  their legs to their hands, prepared for him to keep trying and trying and yet... he did it first try! It surprised even him.  And then noticing his arms are so long he almost drags on the floor when hanging from those same rings. The skills he's learned- not physical- but emotional, self control, focus and leader tools. He is a boy I'd want to get to know, even if he wasn't my child.

There is beauty in this. It may be the only thing I have to give. So I give it today. To You


I Praise:
...the Lord who heals.
...the One who gave him balance to find his footing.
...the Lord who gave him time to get strong.
...for the roof over our heads
...for the floor many feet from the cold ground.
...for the heat that comes through the ducts.
...for putting the man in our path that would offer us filters for those ducts.
...for the legacy of a bed frame holding one generation, now another.
...for the man who held onto them waiting for this day.
...for the curls peeking through the back of a cap.
...for florescent green caps and shirts.
...for the earliest of morning wake ups that will surely follow.

Thank you Lord.