Fill me...

Compassionate Lord, I beg your forgiveness. I plead for a filling of joy. Peace. Hope. Abundant and overflowing. I ask boldly.

Gifts we've been given, will keep us connected. Seeking employment. If that is your path Lord, set it boldly before me. I am lost. You are here. I still feel lost.

Long days. Nights. Weeks? Have past since I laughed. Full. Abundant heart laughter. Joy is waning. slipping through my grip.  Not reality of course. Of course you are here. Joy is here. Covered by the heavy. Burden. Worry. Anxiety. Weight of this world.

What am I not giving him? What am I not giving you. These two messages are speaking to me so clearly, it feels as if Your hand is in my chest squeezing this heart. Squeezing so close... that springing back to life is the next step. With joy unknown before all was almost lost. This is what will be. Fill me up Lord. Overflow us. Let us be a vessel. Hold me strong that I do not stray. Again and again and again. Forgive me for raising my voice. For not smiling down on a child that loves so unabashedly. Your child.

Thank you for the gifts, that do not weigh us down.
Thank you for the friends, that give openly.
Thank you for the people you place in our lives, in the most unusual ways.
Only is it possible for you.
Thank you for giving these people your heart, words to share it in turn.
Thank you for letting him fall asleep in his bed, for the first time, without me attached.


In Hard Times- Holy Experience


Blueberry- The Hat

Silence. Waiting on You.

When does waiting you You, become saying no to moving in You?

Lord, we sit in this home. This shelter you provided. You gave it to us. Is it my fear saying leave? Is it my fear turning me from your word? Every logical thing says stay. Yet, my heart says leave. To where? Is that you? I don't know. Perhaps, walking in faith that you have us, is simply the answer. That you will always have cover for us. What we need, yes. Yet...

Still unwilling to give all to you. Trust all in you. Wanting a safeguard. Just in case.

This battle of flesh and safety. Faith and giving it all for you. Thank you for it. I know NOT what will come of this. But it is written that you can make what was meant for harm, for our good and your glory. Where ever we find ourselves, you are already there. Trust that. Trust. Trust the bridge builder. Bless us with confidence, Lord. Banish anxiety. Let our future grow in you, as your will be done for your glory.

Lord I am scared. Let me not hide it. Let me give it to you. Let this fear leave and faith in You grow. 

Thank you Lord, for this uncertain time.
Thank you for these milestone days in which we pass time to mark with you.
Thank you for the people you have placed in my path, seemingly so distant, and hearts so close.
Thank you for the financial woes, for they show promise of growth in your future.
Your hand in all deeds. Thank you for the provision that is surely meant to touch hearts and bring them to You.
Lord, I thank you and today Lord I ask you to bless us, abundantly. Let us do more for you, enlarge my hearts, be always with me, that I may be a gentle vessel of your love, grace and mercy. Let this year be marked by Your miracles.

You are faithful...

As I weigh it all out. The what ifs. The what if nots. The possibilities of change. The attempting to know what is truly only yours to know. Yours to show in your time. Income. Jobs. Locations. School. Expenses. Spots at schools. Time. Job searching? Preparing for our future? Advocating for him. Position research? Relocation research?

These what ifs, do not answer. They do not answer his answers. The instill fear. Freaking devil fear. Hesitation. Insecurity. Freaking flesh. Wanting to know all the answers now.

****
Grace. Mercy. Forgiveness.

Easier. SO easier to say than to do. I fall for the tricks and manipulation. My own triggers and tricks fall right in line.

Thank you for holding my tongue.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to offer mercy.
Thank you for patience. I know it is there.
Thank you for teaching me to listen.
I thank you know for I know these are yours and you are giving them to me piece by molding piece.

Thank you for another round of patience. Proving this could only be you.
Let it be known, from all over- that I have no idea what comes next. No idea how to even go about it. No idea from where resources will come. Nor which are next.
No idea where we will be in 3 months. None.
But he does.
Again I find myself in a place in my life of being able to 'make things happen.' Only I can't. Early lives would have told me that I could make anything happen with enough drive and determination. No I know- that God must lead. I must listen. Fighting for lead. Well, even I don't want me in charge. Not any more. Thank you God for staying with me, till I saw that. Saw you.
Thank you for what comes next. For this will truly be testament that it can only be YOU. Let this be your glory. May my heart stay open, waiting on the Lord. His provision lasts indefinitely. The God of all that is possible and impossible. Thank you.

Thank you for this child. Sleeping at my feet. For the healing in his heart, mind and soul. His spirit is yours. He is a joyful child. To you be the glory.
Thank you for Jan. She is truly a gift from you. I see that. I see you.
Thank you for the teachers you have provided. Oh my Lord. A heavenly gift. You moved her to him twice. Twice. Twice. Thank you. Thank you for her truth. Her heart given.
Thank you for the unanswered questions. Shown in your time.

I'm scared.

Fear riddles me.

I know I mus move forward in faith.

He is faithful.

He has always provided. Not in ways I want. Expect. Not in easily acceptable answers.

Always provided.


I feel alone. And yet I KNOW he is here.

Holding us in his hand.

Guiding us. Waiting on me.

Fear freezes me.

Faith, his faith, gives me strength. Only his.

So I must sink into Him. Into his word and give thanks.

Thanks for the house he provided over our heads.

Thanks for the small balance left, for through struggle and pain will come growth. Growth in him, if I give it all to him. Move forward. Stay in his word.

Thank you for even the $30 left in the account.

Thank you for the motivation to find life in this. Somehow someway.

Thank you Lord for providing always.

Thank you Lord for this family you have built. This heart you have bonded me to. Thank you.

Lord, forgive me of my sins. My lying ways. Let me make it right. Have Mercy on me oh Lord and I will give you the Glory. All Glory to you Jesus Christ my savior. I'm bow and sob and lay it out here before you. Let me be weak and foolish. Let only your strength and wisdom flow through. Let us bless others with your grace and mercy. Lord I thank you for providing, what I do not know you have done. Thank you for the patience to endure and receive your gifts. Thank you Lord, for allowing me to give you glory.