Fill me...

Compassionate Lord, I beg your forgiveness. I plead for a filling of joy. Peace. Hope. Abundant and overflowing. I ask boldly.

Gifts we've been given, will keep us connected. Seeking employment. If that is your path Lord, set it boldly before me. I am lost. You are here. I still feel lost.

Long days. Nights. Weeks? Have past since I laughed. Full. Abundant heart laughter. Joy is waning. slipping through my grip.  Not reality of course. Of course you are here. Joy is here. Covered by the heavy. Burden. Worry. Anxiety. Weight of this world.

What am I not giving him? What am I not giving you. These two messages are speaking to me so clearly, it feels as if Your hand is in my chest squeezing this heart. Squeezing so close... that springing back to life is the next step. With joy unknown before all was almost lost. This is what will be. Fill me up Lord. Overflow us. Let us be a vessel. Hold me strong that I do not stray. Again and again and again. Forgive me for raising my voice. For not smiling down on a child that loves so unabashedly. Your child.

Thank you for the gifts, that do not weigh us down.
Thank you for the friends, that give openly.
Thank you for the people you place in our lives, in the most unusual ways.
Only is it possible for you.
Thank you for giving these people your heart, words to share it in turn.
Thank you for letting him fall asleep in his bed, for the first time, without me attached.


In Hard Times- Holy Experience


Blueberry- The Hat

So quickly I run

So quickly I turn.

Earnestly praising and giving thanks wanes fast.

Returning to my prideful ways.

Prideful thoughts.

Anxiety masked as false bravado.

When walking forward in faith, should be founded in His Word.

Thank you...
For being the faithful one.
Always.
I fail because if me.
I do your works, only with you. In you. For you.
Thank you for holding me when I stumble.
For the words to repeat, steadying my hands.
For the presence of being home, when what could have been so evidently, surely yours.
For speaking so clearly I knew it was you.
For the tests.
Testing.
Will I run again?
Turn in pride?
I'm sure of it.
You will always be near.
Thank you.
For never leaving.

Nebulizers.
Sisters.
Brothers.
Nephews.
Morning light through wooden blinds.
Forgiveness.
Patience.
His strength.
His faithfulness.
His healing.

I'm a person, that between my flesh and my spiritual learning curve, is uncomfortable openly praising my Lord for my situation. Access to care. Home. Means. Family.  For I wonder about the hole. Are those without homes. without medical care. without family. Are they not blessed?  For truly I've seen. I've sensed the hand, face and heart of God closer with those people within that supposed hole.

Yet, I sit here listening to the cough, thick, persistent. Knowing this would be his death sentence. If God had not made good, what others, generations before, had meant for evil.