You are faithful...

As I weigh it all out. The what ifs. The what if nots. The possibilities of change. The attempting to know what is truly only yours to know. Yours to show in your time. Income. Jobs. Locations. School. Expenses. Spots at schools. Time. Job searching? Preparing for our future? Advocating for him. Position research? Relocation research?

These what ifs, do not answer. They do not answer his answers. The instill fear. Freaking devil fear. Hesitation. Insecurity. Freaking flesh. Wanting to know all the answers now.

****
Grace. Mercy. Forgiveness.

Easier. SO easier to say than to do. I fall for the tricks and manipulation. My own triggers and tricks fall right in line.

Thank you for holding my tongue.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to offer mercy.
Thank you for patience. I know it is there.
Thank you for teaching me to listen.
I thank you know for I know these are yours and you are giving them to me piece by molding piece.

Thank you for another round of patience. Proving this could only be you.
Let it be known, from all over- that I have no idea what comes next. No idea how to even go about it. No idea from where resources will come. Nor which are next.
No idea where we will be in 3 months. None.
But he does.
Again I find myself in a place in my life of being able to 'make things happen.' Only I can't. Early lives would have told me that I could make anything happen with enough drive and determination. No I know- that God must lead. I must listen. Fighting for lead. Well, even I don't want me in charge. Not any more. Thank you God for staying with me, till I saw that. Saw you.
Thank you for what comes next. For this will truly be testament that it can only be YOU. Let this be your glory. May my heart stay open, waiting on the Lord. His provision lasts indefinitely. The God of all that is possible and impossible. Thank you.

Thank you for this child. Sleeping at my feet. For the healing in his heart, mind and soul. His spirit is yours. He is a joyful child. To you be the glory.
Thank you for Jan. She is truly a gift from you. I see that. I see you.
Thank you for the teachers you have provided. Oh my Lord. A heavenly gift. You moved her to him twice. Twice. Twice. Thank you. Thank you for her truth. Her heart given.
Thank you for the unanswered questions. Shown in your time.

Hard day to find thanks. To give it freely. I tried and tried to feel it. 'Feel" it. Stupid.

Stupid to think of the pain. The head that throbbed. The light that felt like a dentists drill hitting a deep nerve.

How it infected everything before and after. Almost forgetting the tear bringing beauty of the morning gymnastics. The double take, I took, when watching him casually walk across the balance beam he couldn't do 2 step without falling 6 months ago. The shock, when I watched the other boys easily perform a rind maneuver, lifting  their legs to their hands, prepared for him to keep trying and trying and yet... he did it first try! It surprised even him.  And then noticing his arms are so long he almost drags on the floor when hanging from those same rings. The skills he's learned- not physical- but emotional, self control, focus and leader tools. He is a boy I'd want to get to know, even if he wasn't my child.

There is beauty in this. It may be the only thing I have to give. So I give it today. To You


I Praise:
...the Lord who heals.
...the One who gave him balance to find his footing.
...the Lord who gave him time to get strong.
...for the roof over our heads
...for the floor many feet from the cold ground.
...for the heat that comes through the ducts.
...for putting the man in our path that would offer us filters for those ducts.
...for the legacy of a bed frame holding one generation, now another.
...for the man who held onto them waiting for this day.
...for the curls peeking through the back of a cap.
...for florescent green caps and shirts.
...for the earliest of morning wake ups that will surely follow.

Thank you Lord.