You are always with me

Some of these words are from one of your children. Words speaking to me. Through my own fear. Fear of impotence of change.

Trying harder leads harder trials.

“God is looking for people through whom He can do the impossible.What a pity when we plan only the things we can do by ourselves.” -A.W. Tozer

Do the things that only God can do.

I will tread through my fear, Lord. Tread. Heavy and fearful. Knowing you are always here. You never leave us in the midst. May my eyes stay on you. May my heart open soften to your words. You are the great healer and sole provider. My peace lies in you.

I lay down my sorrow. My pain. My shame. For the joy of the Lord.

Thank you Lord for never leaving. When I do not follow you hold me loose, allowing me to return time and time again. Forgive me. Please oh please forgive me. Thank you for your second chances. And thirds. I am not worthy. Yet grateful. Full of gratitude for your mercy and grace.

You are faithful...

As I weigh it all out. The what ifs. The what if nots. The possibilities of change. The attempting to know what is truly only yours to know. Yours to show in your time. Income. Jobs. Locations. School. Expenses. Spots at schools. Time. Job searching? Preparing for our future? Advocating for him. Position research? Relocation research?

These what ifs, do not answer. They do not answer his answers. The instill fear. Freaking devil fear. Hesitation. Insecurity. Freaking flesh. Wanting to know all the answers now.

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Grace. Mercy. Forgiveness.

Easier. SO easier to say than to do. I fall for the tricks and manipulation. My own triggers and tricks fall right in line.

Thank you for holding my tongue.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to offer mercy.
Thank you for patience. I know it is there.
Thank you for teaching me to listen.
I thank you know for I know these are yours and you are giving them to me piece by molding piece.

Thank you for another round of patience. Proving this could only be you.
Let it be known, from all over- that I have no idea what comes next. No idea how to even go about it. No idea from where resources will come. Nor which are next.
No idea where we will be in 3 months. None.
But he does.
Again I find myself in a place in my life of being able to 'make things happen.' Only I can't. Early lives would have told me that I could make anything happen with enough drive and determination. No I know- that God must lead. I must listen. Fighting for lead. Well, even I don't want me in charge. Not any more. Thank you God for staying with me, till I saw that. Saw you.
Thank you for what comes next. For this will truly be testament that it can only be YOU. Let this be your glory. May my heart stay open, waiting on the Lord. His provision lasts indefinitely. The God of all that is possible and impossible. Thank you.

Thank you for this child. Sleeping at my feet. For the healing in his heart, mind and soul. His spirit is yours. He is a joyful child. To you be the glory.
Thank you for Jan. She is truly a gift from you. I see that. I see you.
Thank you for the teachers you have provided. Oh my Lord. A heavenly gift. You moved her to him twice. Twice. Twice. Thank you. Thank you for her truth. Her heart given.
Thank you for the unanswered questions. Shown in your time.

So quickly I run

So quickly I turn.

Earnestly praising and giving thanks wanes fast.

Returning to my prideful ways.

Prideful thoughts.

Anxiety masked as false bravado.

When walking forward in faith, should be founded in His Word.

Thank you...
For being the faithful one.
Always.
I fail because if me.
I do your works, only with you. In you. For you.
Thank you for holding me when I stumble.
For the words to repeat, steadying my hands.
For the presence of being home, when what could have been so evidently, surely yours.
For speaking so clearly I knew it was you.
For the tests.
Testing.
Will I run again?
Turn in pride?
I'm sure of it.
You will always be near.
Thank you.
For never leaving.

Saying "thanks" is easy.

Being open hearted truly thankful. Feeling it. Is hard.

Easy can get trumped by Hard.

Opening the word. Not asking for guidance. Wisdom. Patience. Providence. Provision. For self.
Opening the word and just reading. Opening the heart. The heart that is covered by Hard. Without asking. Knowing it will be softened. Faith. Peeling off the layers of Hard. Piles of iron and steel junk. Scrap metal. Hard. Dangerous. Cut you up Hard stuff. Willing it to go away doesn't. Giving it to him. Let him heal. Let him uncover my heart. Let it feel His presence again.

Ask for others. Pray, Lord, I'm stuck doing nothing and have no idea where to turn next. Lord, I'm feeling so alone. Why doesn't anyone want to help? Lord, I need community. My friends have abandoned me.

Or have they?

Lord, let me be a blessing for someone else. Let it all be for your glory. Let me be a vessel for your love.

... for phone calls that say "I need to talk. And I need you to listen"
...for friends who you've blessed with the need to share.
...for letting me be your vessel today.
...for the forgiveness of my sins.
...for the bit by bit unveiling of what will be
...for the tomorrows gifted. New days.

Nebulizers.
Sisters.
Brothers.
Nephews.
Morning light through wooden blinds.
Forgiveness.
Patience.
His strength.
His faithfulness.
His healing.

I'm a person, that between my flesh and my spiritual learning curve, is uncomfortable openly praising my Lord for my situation. Access to care. Home. Means. Family.  For I wonder about the hole. Are those without homes. without medical care. without family. Are they not blessed?  For truly I've seen. I've sensed the hand, face and heart of God closer with those people within that supposed hole.

Yet, I sit here listening to the cough, thick, persistent. Knowing this would be his death sentence. If God had not made good, what others, generations before, had meant for evil.